I write like...

An old friend of mine shared a rather inane little piece of fun with me recently.

Someone apparently has gone to the trouble of creating an online tool to get your literary fortune, so to speak. All one has to do is paste a several paragraph sample of one's writing on the input side of the black box and press the "Analyze" button. Lickity-split, the black box spits out what famous author is most similar to that writing style.

Truly, it is a feat of engineering marvel and technologic achievement.

Here is the result I got for submitting several paragraphs from one of my earlier blog articles:

I write like
James Fenimore Cooper

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Cool! I have always enjoyed Cooper's Leatherstocking Tales. That is the series of novels that includes The Deerslayer, The Last of The Mohicans, and The Pathfinder for all you unfortunate enough to have been born into the current generation of literary unwashed heathens who have no or nominal at best exposure to the writers from the Romantic Era, particularly the American ones.

I have to wonder, if I submit a selection of Cooper's writing, would it come back saying he writes like me? I must of necessity argue that if the black box returns anything but a result confirming reciprocality, even if it says his writing is like his own, the black box is not valid, accurate, or reliable. Otherwise, if the black box returns the result that Cooper's writing is like... hmm... let's say Arthur Conan Doyle, then it stands to reason my writing is like Arthur Conan Doyle.

That can be proven using simple math theorem. A=B, B=C, therefore A=C. But, if my writing (A) is like Arthur Conan Doyle's writing (C), why not give me that result instead of saying it is like Cooper's writing (B)?

See, here is exactly what happened. I did submit several paragraphs from the Cooper's Last of The Mohicans, chapter 1. The little black box said it was most like Arthur Conan Doyle. So, I submitted several paragraphs from Doyle's The Hound of the Baskervilles, chapter 1.

You want to take a guess what the result of that was? You still have all three of your helps left. You can Poll the Mob, Ask the Mob, or Trust the Mob...

Give up? If you said George Orwell, or Julius Ceasar, or Samuel Taylor Coleridge, or Herman Melville, or H.G. Wells you would be absolutely wrong. You would also be wrong if you said Jane Austen, any of the Bronte sisters, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Agatha Christie, or J.K. Rowling. And you would be so wrong that words can not describe the ensuing pandemonium and end of life as we know it if you had the audacity to say it was me.

The result was C=C. Arthur Conan Doyle's writing is most like Arthur Conan Doyle's writing. Not the logical C=B of Doyle's writing is most like Cooper's. Hence, there is no way that my writing is anything like Doyle's.

Okay, the captain has turned on the buckle seatbelts light, so please remain seated and return your tray table and seat to the locked and upright position, we're going to experience some turbulance. C is not B, so C can not be A because A is B. Yet how do we explain B is C? That the black box is wrong? If only it were that simple!

The only explanation is found in something more complex and mind boggling than string theory exponentially increased by the theory of relativity divided by the sum of the origin of species and quantum physics. Yes, it is not only more complex and mind boggling, but dreadfully more sinister and oppressive... it is that vast right-wing conspiracy...

A Bill of What?

Have you ever thought that the focus of your endeavors was sometimes on the wrong thing?

My guess is the answer is yes. I'm not an expert in the area, but I'll hazard to venture the postulation that every thinking individual has and does. What an individual does with that thought, or how much the individual ponders on it, varies.

How about that bill of materials you are working off of? Have you really looked at it to make sure it is a proven and accurate bill of materials? Or are you afraid that if you do, you will find out you've been sold a bill of goods that is in reality nothing more than a bill of lading?

Maybe you aren't afraid of it. Maybe you have even recognized it. So, if this description fits you, have you gotten to that point of wondering if that bill of lading you hold is actually representative of the baggage you are carrying, or is it a gross misrepresentation?

I'm not going to philosophize on that. If you want to, go ahead. I probably would end up finding myself lost in my own psuedo-philosophizations...

I bring the questions up because in the endeavor to understand oneself and the world in which one is found, the thoughts and questions may be worth examining in light of the basic and eternal principles of truth that frame the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Viktor Frankl observed, by both personal experience as a prisoner at Auschwitz and Dachau and in clinical experience working with people, that an individual is willing to endure any level of suffering if he or she is convinced there is meaning in that suffering. On the other hand, suffering without meaning leads to despair. Or as he put it in other words, perhaps directed to those who live in self-imposed mental concentration camps, suffering unnecessarily is masochistic and not heroic.

I think maybe I will spend some time reading more of Viktor Frankl. It has been over two decades since I read "Man's Search For Meaning." At the time, I really didn't grasp a lot of it, being a mere unexperienced college freshman at BYU. I still don't understand why the book was part of the required reading list for an English class... all I can figure is maybe because the content was so universal and in harmony with the true Gospel of Jesus Christ that the best way to get the greatest number of young students exposed to it was through the universal English class required of all freshman. Taking a philosophy class was optional. English was required. And it probably wouldn't have gone over too well with many young students, still working on gaining and building testimonies of the Gospel, adding it to -- say -- the required Book of Mormon classes.

Anyway, I digress from what I wanted to share. As I've been working through the depression I have been suffering at different intensities (and often allowing myself to suffer unnecessarily) since probably about the time I first read Frankl, I came to understand something recently. Did I say depression, and did I openly admit to suffering it? Oh woe is me! The shame... I am somehow less of a person, and less reliable, less capable, less (fill in the blank)... Well, I'm not ashamed to own up to it. I don't have a problem with my suffering depression anymore than I would have a problem with suffering the common cold. If you have a problem with me or anyone else suffering depression and thinking we are less of a person or capable son or daughter of God, then perhaps you are the one with the real problem. But as said, I digress from what I wanted to share.

Too often -- and I know I'm generalizing here but indulge me and you may find something of value for yourself -- we end up accepting a false bill of lading for what we think is a bill of materials for happiness. What do we equate the concept of happiness to? Or in other words, how do we recognize if we are happy or if something is happy?

In the Gospel, the Sunday School question answer to that is along the following lines: "Behold, I say unto you, wickedness never was happiness" (Alma 41:10) and "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25). But, that really does not answer the question of how one properly conceptualizes happiness, does it?

For myself, I have come to realize that conceptualizing happiness as the feeling that is illustrated in such songs like "Dancing On The Ceiling," "All Night Long," and "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" from '80's artists Lionel Ritchie and Wang Chung, respectively, is as misleading and incomplete as the notion that joy is nothing but a hopeful notion that one's suffering isn't all that bad.

Now mind you, I'm not berating the feelings that are the basis for these songs. They have their place, and certainly can be an aide in having wholesome fun and lifting of spirits.

Let's face it, joy is a lot more. It certainly isn't some twisted masochism of merely suffering without knowledge of a purpose.

If you have conceptualized happiness as that fleeting release of energy and positive emotions you felt and experienced at a fun party or church dance, I think you will be ever searching for and never quite filling the "need" that this conceptualization creates in you. In other words, you have accepted a bill of material that can never be completed, and in so doing you end up with a bill of lading you didn't realize you had with cargo you didn't intend on carrying. Likewise if you think that you can and will only experience or understand joy well after you have intimately known and lived misery.

You could miss experiencing the beauty and all encompassing nature of The Lord's Atonement now and later if you don't learn, exercise faith in, and experience that true, simple, and lasting happiness comes from being a recipient of the healing nature of His Atonement!

So, be careful you don't end up being sold or selling yourself a bill of goods...

Derby Season

Yeah, I know... it has been a real long time since I have posted anything. Give me a good paper cut and pour lemon juice on it, why don't you? Maybe I'll get around to talking a little about some of the stuff I've been thinking and experiencing the past several months. And maybe I won't.

What I want to talk to you about is of great importance to many fathers and sons across the nation.

It is Derby Season. Well, probably towards the end of Derby Season in this part of the woods I reckon, but that is neither here nor there.

For those of you who are confused: No, I'm not talking horse racing like the Kentucky Derby, though I had a manager who always made a point to take vacation and go to it.

Nor am I talking about a season devoted to the wearing of a specific style of hat. You are free to wear any hat your heart desires any time of the year as long as you accept the risk of being stared at, or have fingers pointed at you as you walk by, or even laughed at by the uncooth bohemians that cross your path.

I am talking about THE Derby Season... the season of Pinewood Derby.

I am currently a Cub Master in the Boy Scouts of America. For those who are not familiar with Cub Scouts, that means I am the grown up who runs the monthly meetings of a group of 8 - 10 year old boys who make up what is called a Cub Pack. I am the official cheerleader for a group of nine boys right now. It is a small pack, but that is not relevant.

We held our Pinewood Derby several weeks ago, and the boys had a fun time. The families of the boys had a good time. And, the fathers and sons spent a significant amount of time prior to the Derby shaping blocks of pine wood into assorted vehicle shapes, painting them, adding weight so that the cars would max on weight allowance, and positioning plastic wheels on nail like axles on the vehicles produced.

I built three cars myself in a matter of two days. That is doubling the production of cars I've made in my life thus far. I built two cars many years ago when I was a Cub Scout, while the world was still young, TV didn't have the goal of pushing the envelope more and more each season with "edgy" shows, and gasoline was still under or around $.50 a gallon. I also built one a decade ago as a father for my older, mentally handicapped son when he was of Cub Scout age and the pack I am now Cub Master of invited him to enter a car.

Of those three cars prior to this month, the first I had a hard time getting to the bottom of the track due to problems with the wheels and axles. The second one, I employed various family members to work on various parts of the construction with me. I think my older brother did some of the saw cutting (I finished up with a pocket knife, files, and sandpaper), and I directed my mom in the detailing of the painting. My dad handled the wheel positioning and weighting. That car ended up winning best of show AND the overall Derby for fastest car. The third car was raced once or twice by someone as proxy for my son and I, as we couldn't attend since we were both contagiously sick.

I think elements of all three of those cars still exist somewhere in the house...

I made the three new cars this year for several reasons. The first was for the free family racing after the official Derby was over. This lets siblings of the Cubs (and parents if they are so inclined) have fun racing their own cars. The second reason was to have dummy cars to fill the race heat slots if one of the nine boys in the pack didn't show up. And the third reason was to have "pace" cars. In other words, to have cars available for testing the track without running the risk of damaging one of the Cubs' cars in a non-race. Good thing my cars were not actually competing -- they were all slower than the slowest of the nine boys' cars!

Now before you accuse me of it, no I'm not a Derby Freak. No where near it. Are you?

If you want to know what a Derby Freak is, I must refer you to the documentary film "Down and Derby" that was put out in 2005.

Okay, you caught me... that film isn't a documentary. It is a comedy, a light hearted farce and satire. But, it must be based off some degree of reality...

I was talking to some of the boys' fathers before and after our Derby, and I was surprised to hear they found the designs for their sons' cars on the internet. I had assumed they used their vast knowledge and experience in the auto industry to create these speedsters. I purchased standard templates at the Scout shop for my three cars and was feeling a little like I was cheating on the creativity. But if you and your boy have no problem using someone else's design after seeing it on the internet, who am I to criticize, even if I am the judge in charge of the Pinewood Derby? As long as the finished product meets the official BSA stated specifications (no more than 5 ounces, no longer than 7", no wider than 2 3/4", 1 3/4" clearance between wheels, and 3/8" clearance underneath), "It's all good!" as the younger generation like to say.

So, this afternoon, the father of a boy who will be in our Cub Pack next year (but is currently in another pack since our charter organization doesn't do Tiger Cubs for the 7 year olds) came over to ask me how to build a pinewood derby car. His son's pack is having their Pinewood Derby tomorrow evening...

Now, before all y'alls get yer knickers in a knot, give the man here some slack... this is his only son, this is the family's first experience and exposure to the whole Pinewood Derby circus, and the father is from a Latin American country where Cub Scouts doesn't even exist.

But, all y'alls can get yer knickers in a knot if this were to turn into ME building a car for them... Yeah, I would be getting my knickers in a knot over that, considering this family has known about their son's Cub Pack's Derby since before we held ours...

Lucky for me, it turned out I didn't have to build any thing. They opened the official BSA kit on my table, and out came the block of wood, the instruction sheet, the sheet of number stickers, four wheels, and... NO AXLES! Well, they would need to go to a hardware store to get some nails or something that will work and hope their Pack isn't a stickler about the axles being official BSA issue. But, had they not waited until 24 hours before the event to open the box, they would have known it was incomplete and had their pack rectify the situation. Kind of a sucks being them moment, huh?

So, after explaining the basics of how the car is put together and that the design is made by cutting the shape out of the block, the father determined he needed to know what tools were necessary. I loaned him my coping saw, and the rest he had. And, he would need to find something to work for weight should they cut any of the wood off the block.

And then, remembering what those fathers told me at our Derby about designs online, I did a quick search and brought up such a website. I think this particular father and son will end up just leaving the block uncut and then paint it and put the wheels on... After they left, I went and found some more websites.

The funny thing is, these websites seem to reflect a lot of the over-the-top attitude towards competitiveness and building Pinewood Derby cars that makes the comedy in "Down and Derby" so funny. You can buy books and videos from these guys. You can buy pre-cut wood blocks. You can buy specialized precision tools for perfecting the wheels and axles. One place, I even saw where you could buy pre-fab, ready to go, out of the box cars! Oh, and you can of course buy any number of designs for a car you build from scratch using the official BSA Pinewood Derby Car kit...

Some of those designs were pretty neat... Like the tank that appeared to only have two cuts on the block, or the starfighter (that looked like a Battlestar Galactica Colonial Viper), or the python design which can best be described as a cat's arched back...

Maybe next year -- when my younger son is old enough to be a Cub Scout -- just maybe I'll avail myself of some of those designs when I build... er... I mean assist him as he decides what to build and builds it...