A Columbus Day Treat

I would truly be ungrateful if I didn’t share with you how just this past week on Columbus Day I found we have such wonderfully civic minded people in our subdivision. If only they could know how it makes me sleep securely at night to know they take seriously their duty as citizens. I don’t know what I would do without their being there to make sure the grass in my lawn, as well as the grass in other neighbors’ lawns, does not exceed eight inches in length.

I know, it is a tough job, and no one wants to do it. So, we’re ever so grateful that you are sacrificing your time and energy to come measure the length of grass in so many of your neighbor’s lawns and then assuming the expense of calling city hall. We know it has been an especially hard thing to do lately, considering all the rain we’ve been having.

It is wonderful having neighbors as thoughtful and caring as you, and whoever you are, please know that we just wouldn’t know when it is time to cut our lawns if it wasn’t for your silent caring to ask city hall to send out an ordinance inspector to bring all our attentions to a reminder of our civic obligations…

Robert Frost wrote a poem called Mending Wall. He and his neighbor went through an annual activity of rebuilding a stonewall that marked the boundary between Frost’s orchard and the neighbors pine grove. Parts of the wall would be knocked down by winter’s frost heaving or by inconsiderate hunters. Frost first starts out inwardly thinking how silly the whole thing is, since the wall was originally intended on keeping things in or out, like livestock, but that there is no longer that need. But the action, while seemingly only symbolic, was well understood by the neighbor in the neighbor’s words of “Good fences make good neighbors.”

Every municipality has some rather stupid laws on the books that are known as “Good Neighbor” laws. They are typically anything but “good neighbor” laws, as they do not encourage neighborly interaction, but anonymous complaint about things others don’t like in others who live nearby. No, we’re not talking things like nuisances. The definition of a nuisance is something that starts on one property and spreads or moves to another contingent property. Nuisances are things like uncontrolled animals, weeds, smells, noise, and trash. “Good neighbor” law items have more to do with aesthetics, and are more or less there to allow a complainer to force someone else to make their property more appealing to the eye. Therefore, things as trivial as a lawn’s grass length are codified into city law. And depending on how snobby a city is, that code can be pretty silly.

And the best thing about all this is the complainer doesn’t have to do any interaction with the neighbors they are complaining about, and due to privacy concerns, the city will not inform “violators” of the code who the source of the complaint is. I mean, the last thing they want is for neighbors to be unfriendly and do things in retaliation, right? So, there you have it. So called “Good Neighbor” laws. They end up wasting tax payer money by having to pay an ordinance inspector to go out and investigate, using city vehicles no less, and then again they have to go out again to see that compliance was met.

In our case, it was quite interesting. We had a short period where patches of our lawn likely exceeded the ordinance level of 8 inches. And we had a valid reason. Rain. And more rain. And then in between the rain and more rain, some rain. And the windows in between the rain and more rain and some rain were not sufficient to match when we could get out and run the lawn mower over the lawn. But, the lawn was well under the maximum allowable length when the city inspector measured it. Did the concerned neighbor bother to ask us (or the other individual home owners they complained about) if there was anything they could do to help? Did they know or bother to find out that for religious reasons we do not do yard work on Sundays? Did they bother to find out that our lawn care company had given us instructions to purposely let our lawn grow longer all season as part of the program to eradicate weeds and improve the density and overall health of our lawn? You guessed it… nope.

I wonder, was it simply a case of they didn’t like to see taller grass than their bi-weekly “professionally” manicured showcase lawn?

Or was it a case that the homeowners association president and board members had nothing better to do now that they were finished wasting the money collected in annual subdivision dues (which is really a tax that was never approved by a ballot referendum but each property owner nevertheless has to pay annually in addition to property taxes or else the homeowners association will place a lien on your property before it can be sold) on “redeveloping” the main entrance to the subdivision with new landscaping and lighting? Hey homeowners association Nazis, did it occur to you that maybe the wonderful lighting engineering you purchased is now a nightly nuisance to us? Yeah, the light source that is just ever so slightly angled wrong is a good 25 yards or so away, but did you realize it shines on our home every night now with sufficient intensity to require we keep blinds closed? It shines on one side of our house almost as if it were one of our Christmas decoration floodlights. But, since you don’t live up here by your masterpiece of a “look at our wonderful subdivision” monument, it is no skin off your nose.

Or was it a case that someone who has had their home on the market for months and months decided that their home must have not been selling because of the laziness of neighbors whose lawns are driving potential buyers away? Well, did it ever occur to you that maybe your house isn’t selling because you are asking far too much for it, or that the housing market is oversaturated with homes on the market in a period where the economy in our area sucks and that there are few buyers? Well, all I can say is enjoy selling your home at less than what you wanted to get for it when it finally does sell, ya bozo.

Or was the city ordinance inspector simply out trying to drum up some revenue for the city on a bank and postal holiday? See, if the property owner doesn’t cut the lawn within 24 hours of being notified, the city will then send out someone to cut the lawn at the property owner’s expense, and the city then bills the property owner a premium rate which includes not only the cost of cutting the lawn but a “service fee” and penalty. So, Mr. City Ordinance Inspector, why did you still give a warning when you yourself clearly stated that the length of our grass (and that of the other neighbors you inspected) was not in excess of the maximum length allowed by code? Why were we still ordered to cut the lawn within 24 hours or face sanction, when we weren’t in violation of code at the time of your inspection? Seems like a perfectly good use of the taxpayer money, particularly when there doesn’t seem to be the money to do simple road repair. Oh, by the way, did you notice the piles of dirt that appear to have been dumped illegally in the empty lot across the main street from our subdivision? And yeah, your telling us that other municipalities have grass length laws where the grass can’t even be as high as ours is now, that while it isn’t breaking the “law” here, it would be there… yeah, that really does make us feel so much better about your visit.

I don’t know. It all seems pretty stupid. It is not like anyone whose lawn was “under report” was intentionally not cutting it. Nor is it like there are any lawns or properties that are eyesores in the subdivision. All I know is that whoever felt the need to call and complain about neighbors’ lawns being taller than typical could benefit from some “good neighbor” refresher coursework themselves.

Part of enforcement of these so-called “Good Neighbor” ordinances and laws should include investigation into if the person complaining did due diligence before filing a complaint. And, failure to have passed the due diligence test would result in a warning for false report, kind of like prank calling 911. It could go something like this. Ring ring. “Hello, city zoning inspector’s office, Ima Twerp speaking. Unhuh. Too long of grass, you say? Yes, that is serious business. We should get on that at once. First, let me get the whole story. I’ll need to ask you a few questions. Do you know the name of the people who live at the addresses you are complaining about? Have you spoken to them about your concern? I see, you don’t know their name, and you haven’t approached them about your concern. Well, it seems we have logged here in our database that you have called several times before about your concerns for various other neighbors, and your answers are very similar to those. I’m sorry, but there is nothing we can do other than to issue you a citation for repeatedly being a jerk and not knowing how to be neighborly yourself.” Click.

The whole thing about “Good Neighbor” laws is that they actually incent individuals to be bad neighbors, in that they don’t go out and walk with their neighbor on a regular basis, rebuilding the wall where the stones have fallen or been torn down. In fact, they certainly do not induce neighborly feelings in those who the anonymous whiners complain about. I have to admit, there were some less than Christ-like things I thought after having the code inspector show up on our doorstep. Things like, ‘Hope you enjoy all the grass clippings from our lawn in your driveway, jerk…’ or ‘May your lawn become diseased after being scalped by your professional lawn care service’s riding mowers… may it become the source of jokes behind your back in the subdivision, and whenever a child walks by your house, may you hear their cry of terror as they try to avoid your lawn’s hideous briars and thistles…’. And let’s not forget the ever popular “Flaming Bag of Poo” response that could be done on Halloween…

Oh well, those feelings kind of subsided by the time I finished cutting the lawn in the dark. I do hope you weren’t disturbed by that noise, as there were several of us in the neighborhood who were out that evening doing the same. That would not have been nice of us to disturb your rest and relaxation after a hard day at the office. But, I was wondering if maybe you’re the type of person who is so neighborly as to let your dog or cat run loose and doesn’t think anything of letting them do their business in our yard. Or maybe you’re the type of person who lets their dweebish loser high school age sons walk across our back yard every morning to get to the bus stop (thus killing the grass where they step when there is frost on it or ruining a pristine scene of snow that would make wonderful photographs with their unwelcome trespassing on our property). Maybe you’re the type who has no problem tossing your cigarette butts and other miscellaneous garbage out the car window to land in our yard. Maybe you’re the type who doesn’t give a second thought to sticking a realtor’s Open House or For Sale sign or Garage Sale sign at the corner of our yard without asking our permission. Maybe you’re the type that comes and parks your big ugly SUV along our yard and doesn’t bother to make sure your passenger side tires aren’t up over the curb in our grass to drop off or pick up your precious angels from school.

Of course, you are probably the same sort of wonderful person I want in my neighborhood that would have no problem whining to the city if we didn’t have the proper sort of landscape architecture to compliment yours, or would get upset because we didn’t water our lawn and the grass dries out too early in the summer, or can’t abide our patio furniture, or feels we are hicks because we don’t replace the cracked and settling slabs of concrete that make up our driveway.

Yes, Robert Frost said it well in his poem, Mending Wall… “Good fences make good neighbors.” Oh, but wait! How silly of me! Our subdivision doesn’t allow fences, so I guess that means you don’t need to trouble yourself in being a good neighbor.