I’ve been thinking a lot lately about social networks and the need we all have to feel included as part of a group. We all seek to be part of what is inclusive of us, and feel let down if we don’t seem to feel like a part of this group or that group. We wonder why in our rose colored view, the group and its members are so exclusive. Why don’t we fit into the pecking order, or better yet, why is there a pecking order to begin with? We are social beings. It is in our nature. It is not just our mortal physical and emotional need to be connected to others of our species. Hopefully without this sounding too Zen like, our social nature is a part of our spiritual essence. This is just my opinion. I think we all were quite socially active in the pre-existence. No, we weren’t all the social butterfly, center of attention type, but we were most likely like innocent young children are here with other children. They are not strangers to one another. They are fresh from a higher plane, fresh from our Father’s presence, so you got to know they are reflecting a lot of how we socialized there. Something happens to each of us here, though, in our mortal development. It changes this sort of innocence and us. We are conditioned to be distrustful of others we don’t know. The concept of “A stranger is just a friend I haven’t met yet” becomes foreign to us. The conditioning has a profound, yet often unrecognized impact, on each of us. And, the impact is as individual as each of us are, because it gets filtered through our own rose-colored glasses of perception and experience and plastered back out on the world without our taking notice. To tell the truth, there are many times where I come away from some activity or meeting at Church feeling like I am still somehow on the outside of the “in” group. Even if it is just for not having any one to regularly and socially talk with in the hall. And, if I let it, it could get me down. Sometimes I let it. But, most of the time, I choose not to. The Lord is no respecter of individuals. He looks on the heart of the individual. So, I try to adjust my outlook to match. Sadly, there are people who really do let this facet of feeling “out” of the group interfere with their ability to grow spiritually, impact their testimony of and relationship to The Lord, and in being part of Zion. And this all begs the question, why do some people feel the need to establish a pecking order in the first place or to maintain it? Maybe they have been or allowed themselves to be conditioned to the point that they are a stranger to themselves and their only sense of self or self-esteem is in creating an artificial construct that prevents the erosion of the sandy foundation they are on. Perhaps part of our learning curve is to get over the tendency we have to isolate and let ourselves be isolated from others. To learn true charity and to become more like a Zion people, maybe our learning to look at the hearts of individuals (as well as ourselves) instead of respecting individuals (or groups thereof and our apparent lack of being part of them) is part of the way to truly appreciate others in our lives and the cornucopia they represent. The next few articles I post to the Blunt Edge are going to share a little of the cornucopia I am blessed with. Maybe it will help you to recognize some of the richness you may be missing or downright ignoring from your own universe.
1 year ago
6 comments:
I dunno, Cat. I enjoy time by myself. And I think that may very well be part of my eternal nature. I'm outside of most social groups because I choose to be outside. I'm a male kindergarten teacher with a passion for learning about child development, I'm a fairly accomplished cook, I enjoy gardening, I'm an avid cyclist, I like philosophizing about "deep" subjects, and I despise talking about sports. I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna fit in with most groups of guys. And I'm okay with that.
There are all kinds of "social" groups. We tend to associate with folks we have common interests with, don't we?
There are probably three main groups of people when it comes to "socializing". Those who feel awkward if they are not in the middle of the attention (or at least part of the group paying the attention); those that are good with spending time with others as well as time by themself; and then those who feel awkward when they are not by themself (or at least in a small intimate group of trusted others).
And there is nothing wrong with being one or the other of any of those three. It is just a different way of expressing one's social nature, and there certainly are those who would assign pluses or minuses with each.
One thing in your comment was intriguing, and is something I hear a lot (in various forms) from men in the Church... "I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna fit in with most groups of guys. And I'm okay with that." I wonder why it is so many men feel that way?
I didn't know most men feel that way. In my experience most of the men I know have no trouble socializing with other men. Here's a recent example: Our Elder's quorum spent our entire budget for the year on one activity: A March Madness event that was basically an entire Saturday eating food and watching ESPN on a big screen. Every Elder except me and another guy (who had to work) was there. It was the main topic of discussion during EQ the next day. A great time was had by all, yada yada. This is the group of guys I "should" be socializing with. Sorry. Not interested in the least. And I really am okay with that :)
From what I've understood, the budget in our EQ is more a joke than anything else. Like $25 or $50 at most. It would be very probable to go over budget by having just one EQ social a year in our ward. $25 will buy a few bags of chips and some pop that will get added to a EQ pot luck picnic or the like. So, what usually happens is that the EQ ends up pooling their budget with the special budget set aside for the Father Son AP Commemoration camp out or something like that...
Okay, you're okay not participating in the activities with your quorum peers because the activities do not interest you. But do you really prefer to have no interaction with the quorum members themselves? That is what I'm getting at. Why is it that so many men in the Church exhibit this? I have literally heard (and more importantly felt) the same sentiment from a majority of men in EQ's I've been in since leaving student type wards.
I've even known some who say they get all the socialization they need at work, or even more restricting, will say all their social needs are met by their immediate family. The result is often that the whole family ends up being somewhat aloof to others in the ward. Sure, maybe they don't need the socialization, but they also end up preventing others from developing more than a "shake the hand in the hallway" type of relationship with them. I don't know. Maybe it is intentional. Maybe it isn't even noticed.
Does that make sense?
Okay, Cat, you've got me thinking.
I'm introverted, so after 8 hours each day of being "on" for 22 students, I need alone time to recharge.
I don't have a lot in common with most other guys.
For me, there's a third factor that also may be a factor for others: Guilt.
Perhaps I've misconstrued the countless addresses I've heard over the years about men's Priesthood responsibilities in the home and church. I feel as though my time and talents belong in service to family, church, and employer. Truth is, I would love a weekly "guys night out" and feel that after a few of them, I would develop meaningful friendships with other men. After all, I do what I can to give my wife a night out away from family responsibilities each week, and I see the joy she has in her life because she can maintain friendships with other women--many of whom are not members of the church. But I feel guilty even thinking about it, because it means time away from family or church responsibilities. I guess that's why I've developed a few online friendships--I can squeeze in little bits of time between other activities to hopefully maintain the relationships.
You're getting it! A bit of a conundrum, isn't it?
Yeah, all day with 22 students indeed warrants some alone time to recharge!
I am certainly not an extrovert. I'm an introvert too, but I do enjoy and appreciate spending time with other people on a regular basis. I think most people are somewhat introvert. I've noticed the older I get, a lot (not all) of the folks I've always assumed were extroverts actually consider themselves to be introverts (even ward leaders). Thus, their "extrovert" actions seem to be a kind of a way to compensate for those feelings of, I don't know, call it social inadequacy?
Good bad or indifferent, guys in our society almost seem to have it hardwired into our MO that sports and participation in sports = social belonging from the time they are old enough to play on a team. I suspect as a result, it is indeed rare for adult men to actively seek out friendships with their peers based on other common interests as a result. In our hectic, quickly changing world, outside of the family, maybe the sports thing is the easiest thing to look to as a constant upon which to base social interaction.
And I think sometimes, using a phrase the guys in my Scout troop when I was a teen would say, one has "to jump over the edge of adventure" when it comes to social interaction. It is easy to be passive about it, and definitely out of our comfort zone to do a Capt. Picard and "Make it so."
Beside the guilt thing, unlike a "gals night out", which is becoming more an expectation in our society, the "guys night out" is still the oddity and often subtely viewed as a selfish indulgence on the man's part.
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